Thank you, Clint. Friends, family, ladies and gentlemen, members of the Academy: Thank you. Let me tell you a little about myself. As an actor I've played more bandits, thieves, killers, warlords, molesters, and mafiosi than you could shake a stick at. As a civilian I collect antique clocks, tell endless stories of my days as a medic in World War II, watch every tennis match, live for my family [and] daily mail, run the dishwasher, take pictures of faces in the bark of trees. I really have a penchant for a man named Josh Brolin. [Pointing:] There he is.
Speaking of mail, sometimes I receive the most bizarre correspondence, ranging from an Englishman looking for help funding his mother's latest heart operation, to last year's letter from the Pope – really – gushing up to me for his favorite film was "The Magnificent Seven." I couldn't understand that, I kept killing people in there. And why not drop by for a visit the next time I'm in Rome. I didn't realize I had friends in such high places. I didn't even know I was joining the Academy for chrissake! On a more serious note, I'm deeply moved by this honor. Your recognition of my artistry makes something very [cl]ear to me: I don't act to live. I live to act.
I have one last story to tell. Two young men were planning a gift for their elderly father's birthday so they decided to hire and send over a hooker. During negotiations she asks, "How old is the birthday boy?" "Oh, he's in his nineties." "Oh, easy," she said, "I can handle him easy." So she goes over to the old man's house, knocks on his door. The old man opens it and says, "Yes, what is it?" So she smiles and says, "I'm here to give you super sex." And there's a slight pause, and he says, "Alright, I'll take the soup."